Friday, April 24, 2009

I'm Responsible For What???

So my daughter is getting Married in 14 months and she is worried cause she hasn't done anything but plunk some money down to reserve the venue for her wedding/reception. She wonders if she has done enough or should she be doing more at this point in time.

I decided that as Mother of the Bride I should look to see what my duties (other than crying on the day she gets married) were. It seems my daughter has nothing to be concerned about because according to everything I read, I am responsible for most of the shit that needs to be done for this wedding. What the Hell??? I'm not the one getting married, she is. Why should I be doing all the work?

Here is what they say I as Mother of the bride should be doing.

Confer with the mother of the groom on all mother of the bride dress or gown choices. I figured I would save time and just pick out dresses for both of us.

So this is Todd's moms dress. I like the fringes on the bottom and the hat's a
nice touch,

And this is my dress. See it too has a little fringe at the bottom so they coordinate. And it also has a hat.

The mother of the bride will assist the bride with the selection of her wedding dress . OK here goes with my pick for what I think Carrin should wear. Second wedding, middle of June, hot as hell. I think it's a good choice. Just be sure to tan Carrin cause there's a lot of skin showing!

The mother of the bride helps the bride and the groom in gathering the names of wedding guests and narrowing down the guest list. From now until the invitations go out you all better be real nice to me cause I control the guest list. Piss me off an your name gets scratched off the list!

The mother of the bride aids in selecting the wedding invitations and the writing out the invitation copy. As long as I don't have to address them and lick all the damn envelopes I can pick them out

The mother of the bride is the assistant or is solely responsible for the other wedding details like photography/videography, wedding cake, bridal accessories, bridal shower arrangements, wedding bouquet and flowers, food catering, wedding favors, pastor/minister/church, banquet room, reception, lodging for out-of-town guests, etc. Damn, what does the bride do? Write out the checks after I plan everything I guess. Guess it's a good thing I;m getting all those vendor ads in the mail huh Carrin? They'll come in handy when I have to start planning the wedding.

The mother of the bride leaves the wedding ceremony area after the bride and groom and before the guests. What the hell? I don't get to go to the party? I have to leave after all the planning I put into this thing! That doesn't sound fair to me.

The mother of the bride dances with the father of the bride during the first formal dance. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Not in this lifetime.

The mother of the bride ensures that all the guests are happy and having a great time and most importantly, that she, the bride, and groom, are having fun as well despite all the stress and the "hoopla". Thank God after all that planning I was worried I didn't get to have any fun. Just make sure there's a little alcohol involved to help me deal with that stress and we'll be just fine.

So Carrin, Guess for the next 14 months, you can sit back and relax cause it looks like most of the work and stress falls to me. The Frazzled Mother of the Bride.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Drunk and Disorderly

Someone please explain to me why it is that when you put a group of women together for a weekend away they tend to get really rowdy?
Is it because we are husbandless, childless and responsibility free for two whole days? All I can tell you is that this busload of over 100 women that went to State bowling tournament this past weekend were flippen PARTY ANIMALS!!!! I am Lucky to be alive today (and actually I'm really not too sure I am).

First of all, there was enough food brought to feed a third world country! You would have thought we were going somewhere out in the boonies where there were no restaurants and no access to food. Bags of food and coolers on wheels full of food were brought on board that bus Saturday morning and every type of food imaginable was passed around and sampled by all.

Of course there was beer and alcohol in them there coolers too! Can't forget the important stuff now can we? Our team had bought a gallon of homemade Apple Pie and we vowed we were going to have that sucker gone before the weekend was over! The bus pulled out of the parking lot at 7:02 a.m. and by 7:30 the first drinks had been poured and the first beers had been opened. Way to go Girls! And we hadn't even started to bowl yet!!! I waited to have my first shot until 8:30 and then it was fair game after that.

We stopped for one hour to eat, shop or whatever about 10:00 then it was back on the bus on on to the bowling alley. We arrived there just before noon and didn't have to bowl until 1:00 so once we checked in we had time to do some more drinking (hey, what else were we going to do?). We bowled 6 games (singles and then doubles) and you can earn madi gras beads by drinking shots or other specialty drinks or doing "something creative" for the waiter. We had a few shots and tried to be creative but our waiter was a real dud and was not much fun so not a lot of beads for us even tho we tried our damnedest.

Done at 5:00 (bowling that is not drinking), then on to the hotel and dumped our stuff in our room then went out looking for a place to eat supper and have a few more to drink. Can you say "Idiots!" Some of the women with us couldn't even walk by this time. Not me of course, I was still good to go. Back to the hotel and the bar downsatirs. Are you nuts, we have to bowl again in the morning?

Sunday morning- everybody crawls (literally) out of bed-showers- eats breakfast and by 8:30 am we are drinking shots already! WTF! On to the bowling alley and bloody marys (those are nutritious right?) while waiting to bowl. Again we could earn beads by shots and specialty drinks. Our waiter this day (James- just call me Asshole) was a little more fun and we were inspired to drink a little more.

Here are some of the shots we were drinking: Pantie droppers, Little stiffys, Comfortable screws, Blow jobs, Still a virgin, and Blue balls. How many did I drink? Let me just say that my Grandchildren have enough beads to make them very happy for a while!

Done bowling and back on the bus for the trip back home. Everyone is in a really good mood. They're tired, buzzed and happy to be on their way home. But wait there's still food and alcohol left in our coolers! We can't take any of that home with us, so the food starts getting passed around the bus again and the coolers are opened and the beer and booze get opened and drank. The shots get poured and things get toasted (and so do several people) but hey one good thing comes of it. That gallon of homemade Apple Pie we vowed was going to get finished becomes a dead soldier! WooHoo!

The minute the bus pulls back into the parking lot and we see all our cars and spouses, we return to normal. No more shouting, butt banging, boob showing, beer guzzling, shot swilling, bar dancing party animals- just tired, glad to be home wives and girlfriends ready to relax. I unpack, climb in my jammies, cuddle with the Hubbs for awhile and then I am down for the night.

As I'm writing this and remembering all the things I did and my body is protesting the weekend, I know why I haven't gone for the past few years. I think I'll pass on State tournament next year too. I am in control of my senses once more (at least for now) and will say NO if asked to go again.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Roll One for the Gipper

Some how I lost my better judgement last week. I know what you're thinking, "how can this be?", but between working 40 hours and finals at school, it got away from me for a few brief hours. Long enough though for those lovely ladies I bowl with (I sub on a team on Thursday nights when I don't have classes) to talk me into going to State Bowling Tournament this weekend! WTF!

Am I insane? Have I completely lost my mind? Somebody please tell me this is all a joke! I quit doing State Bowling tournaments years ago because they wrecked havoc on my body and I couldn't recover for days! What possessed me to say yes?

Now I have to drag my ass out of a perfectly good bed at 5:30 am on a Saturday to board a smelly bus with God knows how many other grumpy, sleep deprived females and drive at least 3 1/2 hours just to get off and bowl 6 (count them- 6) games in a row before being able to check into my hotel and relaxing! Then I get up on Sunday and bowl 3 more games before hauling my tired ass back on the same smelly bus and driving back home just to unpack and do laundry! Sound like fun to you? Yeah that's what I thought.

Upside to all of this if there is one. I get to drink non stop while bowling, collect beads for the grandchildren (Sailor has a bead fetish so she'll be happy), bond with my bowling girls, eat at some great restaurants, maybe do a little shopping while we're there and if I'm lucky honey, get another tattoo. (Remember the last time I came home from State tournament with a tattoo?)

Of course along with all of that goes the hang overs, lack of sleep and feeling miserable due to over indulging but it's only 2 days so guess I will survive. At least I hope I will. HELP!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Don't Mess With Mother Nature

It only took her a few times but she finally got it right!

I'm talking about Mother Nature and Spring! We are into the middle of April and finally just getting some warm weather. And trust me when I say it isn't a for sure thing- it is day to day.

I honestly think Mother Nature was a little Bipolar this year. I just finished a Psychology class so I can diagnose this with a 60% degree of "certainty" based on her symptoms. I am almost positive she went off her meds and is exhibiting degrees of manic behavior.

One day it would sunny and sixty and the next it would be cold and snowy! What's up with that? Of course you have to remember I live in "God's Country", Wisconsin where anything is likely when it comes to weather. It's been known to snow in May yet so guess I shouldn't get too comfortable.

Personally, between you and me, I think Mother Nature has a drug or alcohol problem. I mean come on, if you had to be responsible for keeping track of the weather in all those different places wouldn't you hit the bottle or pop pills? Let's see it's spring in China so that means it's winter in Chicago and I should have a hurricane in Mexico. No, No that's not right, let me start over. See what I mean? I'd either be a drunk or strung out on pills. Maybe that's why we've had such funky weather lately. Although the woman has been around for along time so maybe it's Alzheimer's that's setting in and she's just forgetting what season it is and that's why everything seems to be getting mixed up?

I vote we get Mother Nature into rehab, get her straightened out and then our weather will be back to normal. Of course we all know what happens when you mess with Mother Nature so maybe we should just leave her alone and hope she straightens out on her own. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy each wonderful , warm, sunny day she sees fit to give me.

Now head over to Jay's and thank Mother Nature while you read other Tuesday Tributes

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Can I Help You Carry That?

Ever carried this around on your shoulders? I have many times.
I have been guilty of neglecting my laundry once in a while.
I have been guilty of being a bad friend -not returning phone calls and emails in a timely manner.
I have been guilty of not getting my schoolwork done when I was supposed to because I wanted to watch DWTS.
I have been guilty of neglecting my flower beds and letting the weeds overtake them because I was just too lazy to get out there and pull them.
I have been guilty of hiding new clothes in the back of my closet and then telling my husband when he ask "Is that new?" No, I've had this for a long time.
What have you been guilty of? Nothing ? Anything? Lots of things?
One things I carry lots of guilt about is whether I was and am a good mother.
I have a son that went through a lot of tough times after my divorce and now he hasn't talked to me since last July. All because of something very small, but to him it was a big deal. I miss him and keep trying to make ammends but don't know if I'll ever see him again. Am I a bad mother?
Yesterday, I had an argument with one of my daughters. Again over something small and when it was all over I had to ask myself if it was a battle I really needed to fight? Was I a bad mother because of this?
Had I damaged my children in some way when they were younger because of the divorce? Will their lives forever be messed up because of me? I decided I could give a seminar and teach all mothers everywhere how to do the guilt thing correctly.
I would call it : Dealing With Mommy Guilt-Learn to Live With It!
(Had to delete the logo I had here-found out it was copyrighted-Damn I just thought it was cute who knew I had a chance of getting arrested for using it?)
This is a subject every mother instinctively learns the moment she walks out of the hospital with that newborn. Have you put your baby in the carseat and forgotten to buckle them in? Have you feed them and not burped them so they got air and had a tummy ache? Did you let them lay in their crib and cry for a while before you picked them up? Yup, you all know Mommy Guilt! Come join my seminar and learn all the tricks of the trade.
What fascinates me though is the person who wrote this book. She obviously doesn't have children herself or she would never be able to write a book entitled:
Motherhood Without Guilt

Who is she kidding? Any mother who has raised children knows there is no such thing! If you have raised children the right way, you have guilt and lots of it! I ask myself every day if there was something I could have done differently or better? Maybe if I had bought them this toy or had a better birthday party or let them stay up later on Saturday night. Maybe if I just loved them more?
Nope that wasn't it- loved them as much as I possibly could.
So I guess I am doomed to carry around Mommy Guilt til the day I die cause I'll be a mommy til then. And as long as I'm a mommy, I'll always wonder if I'm doing something wrong?
So hoist that guilt up here so I can get a good grip on it cause I have a while to carry it around yet.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Final Chapter

Are any of you ER fans?

Did you watch the season finale?

The Final Chapter after 15 years?

Were you impressed? Disappointed? Did it leave you wanting more or were you just damn glad they were finally pulling the plug on something that had been dead a long time and just living on life support?

I was an ER fan from day 1. I loved Noah Wiley (Dr Carter), George Clooney (Dr Ross) an Anthony Edwards (Dr Greene). I actually cried when he died. Then they left the show and it changed. I continued to watch for a while because I wanted to believe it was still going to be the same show even without them. But Sherry Stringfield (Dr Susan Lewis) left too and suddenly it was whole different show with all new characters.

Then I started bowling on Thursday night and had to tape the show and decided it really wasn't worth it since my favorite characters were gone. SO....... I just watched whenever I had the chance and tried to make sense of what was happening.

You have to give them credit though for carrying on with a show that was obviously hemorrhaging money badly. Their ratings were low almost every week yet they kept plodding on trying to make us believe they were still running a viable hospital in the black!

It was sad to watch the last show but I was truly disappointed in how they did it. I was really expecting a much bigger bang for my buck. Good luck to all those truly incredible actors that gave many years to ER. I hope your careers continue to grow and flourish.

Now as we close a chapter on this show and open the next one what do you suppose we will find?